My name is Christina, or as my family calls me – the death angel. I earned that moniker when I boldly announced that my grandfather was dying. I was 7 years old.

I had no experience with death at that point, nor did I know that it was wrong to imply that someone was not long for the world. I simply thought that everyone knew that WE ALL DIE and it was a part of the universal energy cycle.

The morning that I announced my grandfather’s imminent death, I saw a star in the morning sky.  The star was bright and twinkling against the dawn and I remember feeling such a pulling sense inside of me – almost as if my internal energy had shifted. I could hear my grandfather calling my name, but inside my head. I rushed from the bus-stop to my grandparents’ house as fast as my tiny legs could carry me.

He had been sick for many months, unbeknownst to me. I knew that something was different and that I couldn’t climb all over him anymore. I knew his energy was fading because I could FEEL it lessening. I could see his body breaking down – but no one TOLD me that he was sick. That morning though, when I looked at him – I saw a bright ring of energy surrounding him as he laid in bed. Something was covering him.

I yelped “PAP-PAP! Today’s the day! You’re going home” – if looks could kill, I would have been shot down right where I stood. My grandmother’s eyes shot darts of disapproval to me.  My mom gasped. But my grandfather? He simply smiled through his dry cracked lips.

“Ah… good. I’ve been waiting. Thank you!”

He muttered it as if he knew that I was the messenger that would tell him it was time. As if it were no surprise – and he accepted it and even thanked me.  Can you imagine.

Just 3 hours later, my grandfather took his last breath – surrounded by family members in the living room that had been converted for his care.  His last words to me were “death is beautiful, but don’t forget to live.”

Over the course of 3 decades, I have been deeply drawn to death and those people who are nearly departed and have spent hours contemplating what this “gift” was. Why could I see it, smell it, feel it all around me and yet be completely helpless in the process? I felt pulled to individuals who were struggling with illness, or who were unusually “different” than their normal selves and one by one those people passed.  Family members, church friends, family acquaintances, old people in my grandma’s nursing home – I felt it all around me.

I felt almost as if I had ushered them – I’d be pulled in, I’d connect with them and talk and listen to them, hear their deepest most intimate stories of LIVING and their stories of FEAR and the looming darkness they thought death was. And I graciously corrected them with the message of hope and celebration that I believed it was.

Death is not to be feared – it is a beautiful change of form from physical boundaries into limitless energy.

In 2021, I had a dream that showed me my mom’s house crashing down around our family in a raging fire. There was something familiar about this dream. Death was near. For a few weeks, I wrote it off – after all, it had been 2 years since I had the last “episode”, but this felt closer – a higher frequency.  I knew it was my mother. One night on FaceTime, I asked her if she was feeling well. She told me that she had been feeling tired and just off.  “Probably just a cold working on me”

A few weeks later, I booked a one-way flight from Mexico where I had been living. My son and I spent 6 months back in Pittsburgh, and I observed. The energy was definitely off. I pleaded with my mother to see a doctor – to get blood work done – to just check it out – unfortunately to no avail.

After 6 months of pleading, I decided it was time to go home. Maybe I had this one wrong. Maybe my “mojo” was off. Deep down though, I knew what I was feeling.

3 months later, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Incurable and inoperable, she was given her terminal diagnosis and 5 months to live. She handled her diagnosis and the following 5 months with such grace – she was calm, accepting, and most of all at peace with the world around her. It was then that I started thinking about legacy.

What was it that she’d leave behind? What would I want to have to remember her by? My mom was a simple creature – she didn’t have a lot of things to inherit. There was no jewelry, no collectibles, no family heirlooms. All of what she had to give was inside of her now slowly decaying body.

I asked her if I could share her journey with her. We talked about death, I asked questions about her body breaking down, what she believed happens after death. I shared my hypotheses. We laughed – we cried …. ALOT! I held her and smelled her and listened to her as if trying to record every single moment.

My husband and I rented a beach front apartment on the Gulf of Mexico in Veracruz. We flew her and my dad down and as a family, we spent 3 glorious weeks together – just LIVING and loving one another.

On the morning before my birthday, my mom and I were sitting on the balcony and looked at each other.  She asked “Do you feel it?” I nodded as my eyes filled with tears. She finally felt what I felt.  She could see it.  She could smell it.

We celebrated my 39th birthday in Veracruz and the following day, I sent my mom home to die.  I’ll never forget wheeling her into the elevator at the airport that day, holding back my tears as I waved until the elevator doors closed.

She passed 3 weeks later. Gone. But what she left with me was a legacy – an understanding of WHY her soul existed – the pleasure of having her soul here in my life although not nearly long enough. I had voice recordings, paintings she had done, picture albums complete with names and stories to go with the photos. I had lists of what she hoped to accomplish in her lifetime but failed to. I had all of what made her so special to me and our family.

That’s when I decided that I wanted to prepare a legacy for my son. What would I include? How would I face death when it was my turn? How could I help OTHERS to do the same.

Welcome to your journey… If you’re ready to plan out your legacy and live in the moments that are left, we should probably talk.

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